Acknowledging the difficulty of boundary setting
Setting boundaries and communicating one’s needs are a necessary part of any relationship. And they’re parts of relationships with which many of us aren’t comfortable because they require a degree of assertiveness that we may not typically practice. Consider the phenomenon of ghosting. (If you’re not familiar with ghosting, it’s when someone ends a relationship without an explanation–or any follow up to communication–in a way that feels abrupt.) Ghosting is the opposite of being assertive or setting a boundary; it’s a way of avoiding explanation and trying to escape any potential confrontation.
Some boundaries are easier to set
Therapists often talk about setting boundaries. Indeed, setting a boundary may be a potential solution to just about any issue I’ve discussed in prior blogs. While it’s easy to suggest setting a boundary or imposing a limit, actually setting the boundary itself can be difficult. Setting boundaries can be hard for some people because they don’t want to hurt another person’s feelings or because they want to be seen as a “good” person. Much of the time, we can set boundaries without having to hurt someone else or worry about how they’ll continue to perceive us. For example, we can decline an invitation for a one-time event (like a birthday party) by simply stating, “I’m busy,” or we can decline an invitation (for something like a drink or dinner or walk) by proposing another time for the suggested activity. Sometimes, we’ll employ what we refer to as “little white lies” to help us set boundaries without hurting another person. Sometimes, we simply omit information, which makes setting the boundary easier.
Some boundaries are harder to set
But then there are those tricky boundaries where you can’t both meet your needs while meeting someone else’s. And maybe you need to explicitly state that in order to activate the required boundary. Maybe you have to tell someone “no” when they ask a favor of you. Maybe you have to tell a boss or supervisor you’re leaving your job. Or maybe you have to give someone news you can predict they won’t want to hear, but the news is time sensitive, and it’s a particularly bad time for them. Setting these types of boundaries may not feel good to you (the boundary setter) because you worry about disappointing the other person or making their life more difficult or making them think you’re a jerk. You might also question whether the limit you’re setting is fair or deserved–whether it’s acceptable for you to feel the way you do about the topic related to the boundary.
When you’re setting a boundary that’s difficult to set, you might want to provide context or explanation to the receiver of the boundary. Such context may help you feel more comfortable, or you may think explanation will lessen the anticipated blow to the other person. Sometimes, providing additional information about why you set the boundary could be helpful; however, additional information could be perceived by the receiver of the boundary in a different way than you intended. Instead of seeing you as thoughtful when trying to set the boundary, they may perceive you as something else entirely. Or, they may not care about additional details you offered because the boundary still conveyed a message they didn’t want to hear. You don’t necessarily know how someone will react to a boundary being set. And someone’s reaction may inform you how much more information you want to provide: you may wish to provide more information if you’re talking face-to-face and can gauge their emotional response and non-verbal cues; if you’re setting the boundary in written communication, it may be harder to know how information will be interpreted.
Setting boundaries = respecting yourself
If you’re not an assertive person or you’re someone who doesn’t set firm boundaries in certain circumstances or you’re a people-pleaser, you may feel lots of emotions after you set a boundary. You might have anxiety about how it’s interpreted or received; you may not like how it was received. Nevertheless, when you want to set a boundary and don’t for fear of hurting another person or for fear of how they might perceive you, you may instead end up hurting yourself–or, at the very least, not listening to or respecting yourself. It’s not always possible to meet your needs and those of another person. If you don’t see to it that your own needs are met, it’s also unlikely anyone else will choose your needs over their own. Is it kind to ignore or override your own boundaries to give someone else what they want? It may feel kind to the other person, but it probably won’t feel kind to yourself. You may not feel like you respected your own desires or that you are worthy of having your needs met. I read a book recently that quoted Prentis Hemphill, Founder of The Embodiment Institute, in saying, “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” This is completely accurate because boundaries are necessary for maintaining our relationships.
If you learn the recipient of the boundary doesn’t respect the fact the boundary was set or attempts to violate the boundary, you’re gaining valuable information about how (or whether) that person views you in your collective relationship. They should respect and allow you to show up to the relationship between the two of you with your own needs. They might have different needs from you, but they shouldn’t get to assert their own needs are more important than yours. As another way of considering boundaries: think of consent in a (sexual) relationship: unless you both agree to the same action at the same time in the same place and time, there isn’t consent.
Sometimes, discussion about boundaries is healthy, and it may be reasonable to talk about what boundaries are fair. But notice how engagement about boundaries occurs: Is someone being forceful? Manipulative? Coercive? Overbearing? If so, you may gain even more valuable information: you were right to set the boundary you did.
Boundary setting isn’t always easy. If you’re someone who wants help discussing boundaries or trying to understand whether the ones you want to set are fair or reasonable, please contact me.