An empowering perspective on perfectionism

Among the books I’ve read lately is Katherine Morgan Schafler’s The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A path to peace and power. As a white woman who was raised a certain way, perfectionism seemed embedded in my identity. Growing up, I strove to be perfect in academics and in extracurricular activities. Perfectionism carried me far; some might say it carried me to law school. (Funnily enough, the book even states at one point, “Perfectionists go to law school.”)

Perfectionism often feels like a combination of things: a personality trait, an identity, a process. Unlike messages throughout our culture that suggest perfectionism is something from which perfectionists must recover or overcome, this book reframes perfectionism, noting it can be both adaptive and maladaptive. And it notes the nuances in individual manifestations and types of perfectionism. Morgan Schafler emphasizes that perfectionists, like everyone else, are completely whole and worthy of love and self-compassion simply being the people they are.

Perfectionists: consistently striving toward the ideal

One of the ideas I most enjoyed is Morgan Schafler’s observation that, “Perfectionists are people who consistently notice the difference between an ideal and a reality, and who strive to maintain a high degree of personal accountability.” (Morgan Schafler, 2023, p. 2). Throughout the book, she references perfectionists as folks who constantly want to–and are willing to take action to–close that gap between reality and ideal. She notes that unlike idealists, perfectionists can’t just sit and hope for something better; they use their energy to do something about it and to engage. (Morgan Schafler, 2023). Morgan Schafler (2023) credits perfectionists for knowing that they will never actually reach that perfect state, but they can use their ideal for inspiration as they contribute to getting close to the ideal state.

As a climate-aware therapist (and someone who has experienced life stages where I emphasized working from within the system and then changed to wanting to work outside the system and then back to inside but still wanting to burn the whole system down–or at least completely rebuild), this conceptualization of a perfectionist as someone dedicating their energy and action to closing the gap between reality and ideal resonates. Unlike the messages telling perfectionists to let go or break up with this identity or trait, Morgan Schafler’s conceptualization feels empowering. Perhaps it’s helpful for perfectionists to continue to press us in trying to attain what some of us may deem unrealistic because it seems so unreachable. Perhaps perfectionists are engaged in the action of hope in an unrelenting way where so many others cannot continue to engage because discouragement surfaces in so many other forms. 

Perfectionists may be able to weather the disappointments when another piece of legislation sets their work back or another scientific finding suggests reaching the goal will be that much harder. Maybe perfectionists are able to see this as one more challenge to be confronted; maybe they have the energy to continue to reckon with the forces that make the ideal seem farther away.

Weathering extreme disappointment when the ideal seems further out of reach

While this empowering take on perfectionism outlines a path for positive outcomes when perfectionists dedicated to bettering society tirelessly work toward their ideals, I don’t want to dismiss the emotional costs of perfectionism. Continuing to operate in pursuit of an ideal–often one that can seem unattainable or one in front of which barriers and obstacles continually appear–can lead to burnout quickly. Though a perfectionist’s energy may seem endless, we all have limits to our energy. Also, depending on how someone’s perfectionism developed, not every perfectionist acknowledges their self-worth. None of us constantly operates in a state of high self-worth; however, if self-worth is tied to the outcome of one’s pursuits, it can be particularly hard when a perfectionist invests all their energy into pursuing an outcome that comes up short through no fault of their own. The degree of guilt or shame that accompanies a plummet in self-worth can be overwhelming and devastating. 

To this end, perfectionists–perhaps more than others–may need outlets to address feelings they find particularly shameful. While not every perfectionist is a perfectionist in all areas of their life, as they dedicate their energy to what matters most to them and not to areas they accept hold little weight, perfectionists may take defeat really personally. Because they've been perceived by those around them as having so much willpower and dedication to their cause, a perfectionist may have difficulty opening up to those around them about how they’re really feeling. It can be shame-inducing to question their efforts or to admit they’re feeling defeated. To this end, it may help if perfectionists can identify others who won’t judge them or diminish their desire to have put forth so much effort. Perfectionists also need authentic connection. 

If any of this resonates, including if you’re an activist who feels burned out or fearful that despite all your work you may not get the outcome to which you’re dedicating so much effort but feel scared to admit that, feel free to reach out. I’m here to support you as someone who similarly identifies.

Note: I can’t post about perfectionism without acknowledging its potentially problematic nature as a characteristic of white supremacy. (See Tema Okun’s White Supremacy Culture.) Like many white women, the shame embedded in being a white person and participating in white supremacy culture is something that requires on-going work for me. I haven’t focused on this in this blog post but I acknowledge how striving for perfectionism harms many of us–and disproportionately Black people and other People of Color.