The world sucks; how do I not hate people?
I get it; the world has seemed like a dumpster fire for what … the fourth year in a row? The eighth? The sixteenth? How do you determine in what year of dumpster fire we exist at this point? But yeah, I get it. There’s a lot of jerks and assholes out there. (I have a pair of socks that says, “Assholes are everywhere.”)
It’s pretty easy to become pessimistic about people these days. In addition to well-known assholes (I can think of many currently working in DC), there are probably individual ones in your life who aren’t known to others. There are the ones who you believe have personally wronged you; there are the ones who make your life difficult for no good reason; there are the ones who objectively hurt others; there are the ones who don’t yield their power for your version of the greater good. And the list could go on.
I’m not going to say hating people isn’t a natural and normal reaction in some circumstances, but I am going to say that most of the time, these people don’t actually deserve your attention or energy. (And that’s way easier to say than to internalize. I can think of too many assholes that have occupied more than their share of attention in my thoughts.) Maybe some of these folks deserve a communication from you telling them why their actions aren’t appropriate; maybe some of these folks deserve to be boundaried-off from having access to you. But sometimes, it’s not possible to exit these people from your life.
Since hating people may not be the healthiest or most effective response to the world, I wanted to offer some alternatives (in addition to therapy).
Five things you could do instead of focusing on why you’re hating people
#1: Think about the people you love
I’m going to venture out there and guess you probably don’t hate all people. You’ve probably had some friends over the course of your life you’ve loved; you also probably have some family members you love (even if you do sometimes hate them too). You probably have someone out there who has brought you joy and supported you. Think of these people instead! Maybe take this opportunity to reach out to one or some of them.
You probably spend time ruminating about what you’d like to say to the people you’re not digging; rather than rehearsing this conversation you’ll likely not have, instead, schedule a time to have a conversation with someone you love. If you think of someone you haven’t seen or talked to recently, send that person a quick text and say, “hey, I’ve been thinking of you, and we haven’t had a chance to connect. Could we do so in the next couple days?” Depending on you, it may be better to talk with this beloved person in a couple days rather than immediately (even if they’re available) because you may not be your best self right then given you had just been thinking about someone you hate.
#2: Engage in an activity that refocuses your brain
There’s likely something available to you that allows your brain to be focused on something other than people on whom you’re not so keen. As someone who likes doing puzzles, I know that if a puzzle comes out, I’m absorbed mentally till it’s done–or till I’m dragged away and told it’s hours past when I typically go to sleep. When I’m doing a puzzle, I forget anything else going on; conversation with others is hard (I’ve tried to puzzle with friends); meal times come and go.
Another one that works for me is baking. There’s something about the precision of baking that requires my focus on measuring and mixing ingredients in a certain way that’s different from regularly cooking. When I was in law school, I recall reading several opinions by a certain deceased Supreme Court justice for an environmental law course; his opinions consistently enraged me. I’d stew and wonder how anyone could build an argument that seemed logical as it progressed but led to that outcome. So, I’d bake. I’d bake dozens of cookies and distribute them in my friends’ mailboxes with a little note letting them know that this Justice’s opinion in whatever case was responsible for the cookies. It helped to get my mind off the opinion (at least for several hours) and instead do something appreciated by people I liked. Puzzles or baking may not be your jam, but there’s probably something out there that could shift your focus for a bit.
#3: Read something written by someone you admire
There are so many amazing people out there doing amazing things. Many of these folks have endured hatred themselves and/or have been penalized for their ideas (think of Martin Luther King and his Letter from Birmingham Jail). So many inspiring thinkers and activists and writers can remind you that authentically good people exist. If you want to focus on love, unity, or the welfare of others, potentially try to find something by the Dalai Lama, bell hooks, or Valarie Kaur (among so many others–but they’re a couple folks who come to mind immediately).
#4: Practice self-reflection and empathy
None of us is our best self all the time. Sometimes, we all take actions that are hurtful to others or had a hurtful impact on others, even when our intention may have been good or even neutral. It’s hard to acknowledge this when we’re feeling hurt or engaging in self-righteous hatred toward someone who did something we’re labeling “bad.” But I can acknowledge that I’ve done things for which others haven’t been too happy with me. Sometimes, my professional roles have required it; sometimes, I didn’t spend the necessary time to act in the least harmful manner. Depending on what’s happened that’s leading to your current hatred of others, think about whether you had any role in why they may have acted as they did. If so, acknowledge that to yourself–and them, if that seems appropriate.
Alternatively, you’ve probably heard someone say something like, “we all have circumstances about which others know nothing” or “we’re all fighting a battle about which others know nothing.” Remember that empathy is important; maybe someone acted like a jerk because they’re struggling a lot and haven't had restful sleep in a while. (I’ll vouch that absent sleep, I’m not my kindest self.) Maybe someone’s life experience has ingrained certain assumptions that were, at some point, healthy and self-protective but may not be in all cases. I’m not trying to excuse folks for undesirable or hurtful behavior, and it’s important to recall you may not know something. Just as you probably don’t explain your rationale for every decision you make or action you take, others don’t either. You may not have all the facts, and you may wish to grant someone a bit of grace.
#5: Remember not all people are bad
When you say you hate people, do you actually mean all people? Do you hate one person? Or a smaller group of people? In psychology, there’s this concept called cognitive distortions; these occur when your thought process isn’t entirely accurate. There are many types of cognitive distortions–these are easy to find–but several could apply to a statement such as, “I hate people.” You may be overgeneralizing; as I guessed in the first suggestion above, you probably don’t hate all people. You probably actually love some. There are also likely people you don’t know and whom you admire, as suggestion three above referenced. And, there are probably a lot of people you don’t know who are doing the best they can in shitty circumstances; these may be folks who are vulnerable and even more impacted by the actions of those who are misusing their power than those of us with privilege. This might include you; it may not.
If ruminating about hating people is something that prevents you from living the life you want (even when we acknowledge that the world isn’t necessarily headed in a positive, problem-free direction), therapy could help. If you live in Seattle and/or Washington, contact me if you’d like a free consultation and/or are interested in receiving a referral.